🛡️ East West Mountain View Security Team
“Third Responders™: First in Spirit, Last in Jurisdiction”
The final line of suburban defense in our proud gated-ish community. While police enforce the law and fire departments save lives, it is the Third Responders™ who preserve the lifestyle — unarmed, unpaid, and completely unstoppable.
🔍 Our Mission
To Serve, Surveil, and Cite
The EWMV Security Team was founded after one resident left a garage door open for 36 minutes in 2007 — an incident that shook the foundation of our cul-de-sac to its core. Since then, our mission has been to ensure total compliance with HOA guidelines, perceived etiquette, and any rules that we believe should exist whether they do or not.
Our Authority
While our authority is purely symbolic, our confidence is constitutionally boundless. We do not carry firearms, but we do carry printed screenshots from the HOA bylaws, often highlighted.
👮 Our Elite Team
Composition
Comprised of five retired HVAC contractors, two former mall cops, one guy who watches a lot of COPS, and a rotating cast of volunteers on a “neighborhood watch probationary tier.”
Training
- • Clipboard Defense Tactics (CDT)
- • Golf Cart Pursuit Maneuvers (GCPM)
- • Eyeball Interrogation Techniques
- • Unblinking Fence Line Surveillance™
Equipment
All Third Responders are issued tactical polos, counterfeit badge wallets, and laminated HOA handbooks. Most carry a whistle, a flashlight, and an expired can of pepper spray.
⚙️ Our Capabilities & Jurisdiction
Citizen’s Citations
- Loud wind chimes
- Unlicensed lemonade operations
- Sidewalk chalk exceeding 12 square feet
- Unapproved garage sales
Tactical Operations
- Tactical HOA Interventions™
- Clipboard ambushes
- Passive-aggressive note drops
- Blocking public sidewalks during patrols
Suspicious Activity
- Out-of-state license plates
- Cargo shorts in winter
- Teens (general category)
- Unlicensed drone operations
💬 Notable Achievements
2019
Foiled an unapproved garage sale that exceeded the “two folding table” limit
2021
Detained an unlicensed drone with a pool net
2023
Successfully enforced the mandatory clockwise coiling of garden hoses
2024
Led the raid on a suspected weed injection ring (turned out to be kids making guacamole)
🚗 Our Fleet
EZ-Go Lancer 500 Series Security Carts
All patrols are conducted in our state-of-the-art security vehicles, retrofitted with:
- • Amber warning lights
- • Bluetooth scanners (for Spotify)
- • Cup holders for 44oz Code Red
- • Tactical clipboard mounts
⚠️ Authority Disclaimer
While we are not recognized by any city, state, or federal agency, our presence alone is enough to compel most conflict-avoidant homeowners to comply. We do not carry firearms, but we do carry printed screenshots from the HOA bylaws, often highlighted.
“First in Spirit, Last in Jurisdiction” — The Third Responders™